the fight to love

Everdearest X,

Last night, you witnessed an argument between your Papa and I.  He had made some comments about how disorganized the coat closet was, and I was taking those comments as a direct attack on my ability as a wife/mother/professional organizer.  I tried to hold back my insecurity, but I lost patience with both of you.  And when he asked why I was mad, you were underfoot, listening to our whole conversation.

I ended it quickly, but when we were getting ready for bed, you said "Mama, I'm mad at both of you." And my heart broke into about a million pieces.  It's regrettable parenting to let you see us act or speak unlovingly to each other, and even worse when we take it out on you.  I'm so so sorry.

We talked about what happened, and you forgave me in exchange for a hug.  I wish it were always that simple.

The truth is, I am acutely aware of letting your Papa down every day.  For all the things I do and he appreciates, there is an underlying issue that we can't seem to resolve.  Really, his needs are simple: affection and attention.  And yet, I fail.  I understand his love language, and I feel him slipping away, but I cannot seem to get past my everyday tasks and exhaustion and anxiety.  I know it's not for lack of love, and I truly hope he knows it too.  Insecurity can do funny things to a person.  Every small failure reminds me of the how I am lacking.  Sometimes I can get past it, and sometimes it eats me up inside.  I feel a sense of guilt and responsibility, knowing I hold his heart in the palm of my hand. 

And then there's your heart - tender and fragile and still so innocent.  Tonight you turned over and asked "but why doesn't Papa want to be with us?".  It's not you, it's me. But in the end, it IS us.  The three of us...along with Aurora, Amelia, and baby brother.  And Neji! This is our family, and maybe it's time for me to revisit the original bond that started it all - between me and your Papa.

I hope, sweet child, to be an example of a strong and healthy relationship.  I hope you carry my lessons through your life and your own relationships.  And I hope, from this day forward, to spare you the negative energy that sometimes occurs between a mama and a papa. It's not your burden to bear.

With my love, broken and fulll.
​Mama.