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Everdearest Xavi,
I see you. Lately, I haven't been making enough time to show you. And I don't think you know it - I see you. Some people think you're too sensitive. I see you feeling all your feelings. I love that you can identify and express your emotions, and I think it will make you a super thoughtful human. When people see you have a meltdown, I see a boy who has carried all of his feelings for as long as he was able. People might tell you to stop crying. They might think you're being spoiled, or weak, or dramatic. I see a strong boy, able to show how he feels. I also see you taking deep breaths and coming back from it. I see when you mope, and indirectly tell us when you're feeling bad. I see you reaching for us to find your smiles and hugs. When you go off on your own, some people might call it rude or antisocial. I see a boy who can recognize when he needs space and remove himself from situations that make him feel negative. Sometimes I don't follow you right away. Sometimes, I can't. I still see you. I see you teaching yourself, learning how to process your feelings, your circumstances and your reactions. I see you feeling left out, even when people don't mean to exclude you. I see you finding other ways to be included. I hope you always find your crowd. When you notice your brother getting extra attention, I see you letting him shine. Even though it makes you sad, you never blame or take it out on him. That makes you such a loving big brother. When you put yourself down, I see your insecurity. I see all of your qualities and strengths, and I hope you're able to find them too. When you overhear people comparing you to others, I see you quietly internalizing it. I hope you find the confidence to be your own person, because he's enough. When they giggle about your first attempts at something, I see you find time to practice on your own. I see you regain the confidence to try again, and I'm so proud of your persistence. When we scold you for a misstep, I see all the other times you've chosen to make a good decision. When we're disappointed in your decisions, I see that you're trying, and that you know. Sometimes I forget that you're still a little boy, still learning. I'm still learning, too. When you constantly ask us to play with you, I see a boy who's craving for a connection and intimacy. I see you give me the chance to provide it, over an over again - no matter how many times I ask you to wait, because I'm tried or distracted or focused on something else. I hope you never stop asking. You're a little boy with a big heart, and I see all of it. My hope is that you see it too, because it's the root of your happiness. I see you, Xavi. All of you, with all of my heart. I love you, always and every day. Mama.
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