sunshine, with a chance of rain

Everdearest Baby4,

We are slowly and cautiously starting to share news of you. So exciting! So happy!

And yet...

Being pregnant after a miscarriage is like walking around with an umbrella on a sunshiny day.  It's difficult to fully bask in the light, while protecting yourself from the rain that may or may not come.  I feel like maybe I'll be holding my breath for the next seven months.

And the thing is, I'm not the only one holding an umbrella.  People around us celebrate, but with reservations.  They don't want to jinx it.  They don't want to get their hopes up.  They want to protect me from more pain.  And so, they hold their own umbrellas.  And slowly, the sunlight fades, overshadowed by The Maybe Thing.  The more it occupies my mind, the more I'm afraid I'll think it into existence. Sometimes I acknowledge it aloud, to assure people I'm not being naive.  Yes, I'll take care of myself this time.  I'll rest more, this time.  I'll eat healthy and take all the vitamins this time.  My ego (or depression) turns well meaning advice into insinuations of how I could have done things differently with your sisters.  Like maybe I have (and had) some control of the outcome - so I better make sure I don't mess it up this time. 

My intuition knows otherwise. But my ego is afraid of being judged.

So what to do...

I can put away my own umbrella, making space for hope and happiness.  I can trust the doctor's optimism, in nature and in myself.    I can make space for love and positivity, and feed it to your soul.

I hope you feel it, baby.  This is the closest I will ever be to you, and yet I know there's still so much love to be shared.

With all my heart,
​Mama.