once moRe

Everdearest Aurora,

You're going to be a big sister! About 7 tests have confirmed that I've been pregnant since August, and maybe sooner.   We've been excited, but cautiously so.  I guess it's a defense mechanism.  I think the doctor could tell, because she assured me that there was nothing I could do to hurt the baby at this stage. It's well protected, she said.  I wish I believed her.

Our first ultrasound was last week, and showed that the baby wasn't quite as developed as they expected. It's inconclusive...we just have to wait two weeks for a second ultrasound.  And then we'll know, either way.  It's very early in the pregnancy, and I wouldn't be so worried if we hadn't gone through a similar situation with you.  There's really nothing I can do now but to be positive and hope for the best.  I know it's beyond my control, no matter how my mind tries to trick me.

Your brother is super excited and that can get contagious.  He says it's his baby sister, and talks to her through my belly button.  He asks her to come out "just for a little" so that he can share his dinosaurs.  He also sings to her, and lifts his shirt for her to meet his "Xavi baby".  He's so loving, and already protective.  When I stub my toe or cry out for any reason, he's quick to ask "is the baby ok, mamma?" - it breaks my heart and fills it with love, all at the same time.

We intended on keeping it a secret, at least for a little while.  But circumstances made it difficult to hide, and it's pretty impossible to keep a secret in our family.  We compromised and have been sharing the news discretely, as it comes up.  I've been ok with that, because I don't feel quite ready to put it out there, what with the uncertainty.  In a small, and self imposing way, I feel a bit guilty about robbing her of all the love and affection that you received so early in life.  I feel selfish for wanting to protect my heart, when it means that she may not get the total happiness of a hopeful and unencumbered announcement.

In any case, Aurora, you've been a guiding force for me these past few months.  Life got a bit hectic, and I found myself distracted at times.  My mind always came back to you, which reminded me to take care of myself.  You've made it a bit easier to find my center, to be balanced and focused. But most of all, to be forgiving of myself.  

It's not been a an easy healing process.  With your due date just around the corner, I've been faced with a new set of thoughts and feelings.  I'm super grateful to be surrounded by so many loving and supportive people.  I only wish I was able to spend more time with each of them. I often wish the same for you.

Well, this was meant to be a happy letter, but I'm feeling somewhere in between.  You have my heart, baby girl.  It's not always pretty, but I hope it's always true.

With all my love and emotions,
Your mamma, always.