oops and ouches

Everdearest angels,

Your brother is currently getting stitches, while I sit at home with bated breath.

I feel like I should be there.  When they called me, I felt ill equipped to make a decision.  I stayed home while your brave Papa handled the emergency.

I didn't even think it an emerceny, to be honest.  But then I felt like I wasn't panicking enough, which made me panic even more.

It was the guilt that crept in.  The fear of being judged. The possibility of everything that could go wrong.  Paralysis by analysis.  I used to think I handled stressful situations pretty well.  Maybe it was true, at one time.  Lately, my default reaction is feeling victimized, followed by total shut down.

In this mode, my decisions are clouded by thoughts and judgement of other people.  Even worse, it's actually my projection of their thoughts and judgement.  My narrative is based on my perception, and nothing else.  

I'm acknowledging that my perception is currently askew, and my reactions should not define me.  I need to identify my behavioral weaknesses, instead of turning them into personality flaws.  If I can readjust myself, even in the smallest increments, I can change the course of my thoughts and feelings and actions.

Yesterday was one step forward, and today is a few steps back.  At least I'm on the right path, for now.

With a tired mind and a strong heart,
Mama.