on guard...

Everdearest Angels,

I miss you today, very very much.

Last month, I realized that I was pregnant again.  I ignored it for a while, subconsciously and then consciously.  Part of me was excited, and the other was scared to be excited.  All the emotions.  We haven't been planning for. it...we were actually planning not to be pregnant right now.  Our babies have a history of good timing, so I'm not super surprised. (One of your aunties is getting married in September and I'm a bridesmaid!) 
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By the time I got the courage to do The Test(s), the lines were dark and definite.  As definite as a pregnancy can be, I suppose.

We haven't told anyone besides Xavi.  It hasn't been as difficult a secret to keep as I expected, maybe because I've been pushing it in the back of my own mind. Am I ready?

Do you know what, girls? I know I am.  And things have been going really well lately, which is probably why life has been falling into place the way it has.  In work, marriage, parenthood and at home...laws of attraction at all.  I've been practicing intention with my thoughts and actions. I believe it makes all the difference.

Except...today, something crept up on me.  Many familiar signs from when I experienced antepartum anxiety with Aurora's pregnancy.  I've been sick since Thursday, so I haven't thought much of my non desire to do anything.  I literally spent all of Friday in bed, getting only as far as thinking about all the things I had to do. But I was sick, so I let myself rest.

Today felt a bit different.  Here are a few of the red flags...

-I woke up tired (despite having slept in because Xavi had a sleepover at Lolo's and Lola's).
-I opted out of leaving the house (bed).
-A lot of things made me cry.  Happy things made me cry sad tears.
-I reached out to people, but felt disconnected when they replied.  I didn't want to burden them.
-My initial reaction was to feel victimized and defensive about innocent comments, even those made in the past.
-I had little patience for things I can normally tolerate.
-I've been on a two month shopping hiatus but started getting an itch to redefine myself with pretty new clothes.
-I had to really force myself to do normal things like eat lunch and walk Neji and tidy up.
-I spent time analyzing the ways I'm falling short, and feeling the guilt of it all.

So in reading this list, I realize that it sounds like just a bad day.  It's the pregnancy hormones, I'm sure they would say.  And maybe it is. I would normally let myself feel all the feelings.  But I'm on guard, because I've experienced how one bad day can slide into weeks and then months.  And if I'm supposed to counteract it, I'm not sure how.  

For now, I'm reaching out to you for love and a little bit of magic happiness.

For a better tomorrow,
Mama.

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