a winding road

Everdearest girls,

The tricky part about antepartum depression is not letting negative become normal.  In slipping in and out of its symptoms, I've become more aware of my default reactions: over analysis and feeling victimized.

The thing is, when I'm in it, I don't always see them as symptoms.  In my mind, the reactions become who I am.  My ego is defined by the negative thoughts, both prompted and self-inflicted.  Self doubt creeps in, which causes overthinking...and then it's a vicious cycle.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.  As a mother, I sometimes feel like a failure for showing my cracks to you.  I'm sometimes afraid that my honest heart will penetrate Xavi's happy little bubble.  There's a fine line between acknowledging the feelings and wallowing in them.  In writing to you, I'm able to to the former while still moving forward.

So tomorrow will be another day, and hopefully I will come back with a happier message.  Because, I've realized, it's as important to document the hope.  I can define my own normal, even if it means walking a winding road between two extremes.

A heart full of love,
​Mama.