LOST WITHOUT YOU

Everdearest Amelia,

I hope you like your name.  Xavi smiles every time he says it, and that makes me super happy.  He's loved you so much already.  He was really sad when we knew you wouldn't make it, and kept saying "but I don't want to her to go away".  We all miss you tremendously.  Xavi often senses my feelings, and comes to ask "why are you sad, mamma?".  He tells me he wants to keep me safe.  He captures all of my feelings, in just one loving hug.

I found out your papa had a talk with Xavi, and told him it was their job to keep me happy and safe.  I don't think I could ask for anything more.  Your papa and I have been faced with many of the delicate issues that come into a marriage, miscarriages included.  It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been dramatic, and we've survived to be a stronger couple.  We're kinder, and more patient with each other, and are building this family from a place of love.  You would have been a lovely addition to our home.

The second time is easier and also more difficult.  There's much less self doubt, and questioning.  Aurora built that armour for me. On the other hand, there's nothing that can take away the emptiness.  You're still with me, technically.  I'm cherishing every moment we have together, even in sadness.  When it's time, I'll say goodbye.  I'll never be ready, but I'll be prepared.

There's a different weight this time, I think from not having announced our pregnancy to everyone.  I don't even remember now, who we've told, and what.  In some ways, it's nice to face an unknowing world, and get caught up in their happiness and normalcy.  I wonder if people will look back and say "I had no idea. She's so strong to push forward on her own." But that's my ego talking.  In reality, I've been a broken mess, and not very good at pretending. It exhausts me, and I'd much rather be honest.  The truth is, I'm really sad.  (But I'll be ok.)

I know I'm not alone, and that makes it a little bit easier every step of the way. I'm surrounded by incredible people, generous with their time, their stories and their hearts.  I've been blessed with Lloyd, Xavi, Aurora and Neji.  And now we have you.

Forever in my heart,
Your hopeful mamma.