Goodbye, Amelia

Everdearest Amelia,

I guess this is it.  The bleeding started a few days ago, but last night it was gushing and my body seemed ready to let you go.  It's probably not a coincidence that it happened right after I wrote your letter.  It also happened that way with Aurora. 

The emotional part is difficult, but I forgot how messy the physical process can be.  Again, I count my blessings for knowing in advance, and being able to prepare for it.  Unexpected bleeding or cramping like that would have been pretty scary.  I happened to be at the office yesterday, and had to leave abruptly.  I drove home while sitting on a paper bag, to protect the car seat.

I peeled off my pants in the tub, and literally stood in a pool of blood.  I was sort of glad none else was home to see any of it. I was by myself, but not alone.  After I washed up, I found my trusty pack of disposable underwear.  As a professional organizer, I would have encouraged my clients to dispose of that bag a long time ago.  It's from when I had Xavi, 3 years ago.  But I'm so glad I decided against it, because that one pack has seen me through one pregnancy and two miscarriages.

So I spent the entire evening lying down, watching tv, wearing the robe your great grandma gave me.  I even let myself eat dinner (and dessert) in bed! It would have been a different vibe, had I not been wearing Depends the whole time.

I'm not sure why I felt inclined to write about all the gory details. (And still, I've left stuff out.)  I guess for the same reason I wanted to share the news at all.  There can be an implication of shame, in secrecy.  And I don't feel ashamed at all.  Not of you, of my body or of the process.  I trust in nature, and believe that there's a time and reason for everything.

I thank you for coming into our lives when you did.  I already feel more enriched from it, and confident of a wonderful future.  

Still ever so hopeful,
Your mamma.