day by day

Hi girls,

I'm starting to feel a bit better, and I wanted to make sure I write to you about it.  When I'm feeling down, things get fuzzy and I find it hard to recall feelings and events.

I think that main thing that was different this time around, was that I was aware of the symptoms.  It didn't make them go away, but it did help in understanding what I'm experiencing.

I made/kept appointments throughout the week, basically as a way to force myself out of the house (ie bed).  It did help, but each meeting also totally drained me.  One of my meetings was in the same complex as the grocery store, and I couldn't even muster up the energy to efficiently take care of my household.  A lot of things fell off the list this week.  I spent a lot of time in bed.  But I have to forgive myself for it, and have patience - knowing that things will turn around.

A saw a few turning points in the week.  One was getting new glasses.  It was less about the glasses, and more about being able to make a decision.  That helped.  I also called your Uncle Huan - doctor and meditation teacher extraordinaire.  He gave me new perspective and showed me a way to channel my negative thoughts/feelings to compassion.  It also helped me acknowledge that my guilt is actually a pretty selfish trait.  Guilt is disguised as self sacrificing regret about letting someone down...but really it's about my ego.  It's less about the person I'm letting down, and more about how I'm afraid I'll be judged because of it.  That was a big lightbulb for me, and should help moving forward.

A day at a time, little girls.

With love,
​Mama.