Always be my baby

​Everdearest Xavi,
 
For the past four years, you've given me the best kind of love.  I can’t imagine my life without you; I never knew I had so much room in my heart for one little boy.  In a few short weeks, our hearts are going to grow even more. Our lives are going to change, unquestionably for the better.
 
And yet, my heart aches a little.
 
I'm starting to miss you already, knowing that our relationship is going to shift.  It will be physically impossible for me to be there for you, as I am right now.  I will have a new life to care for, another baby to hold.  I may lose a little of myself again, and it might take time to find my way back. 
 
I know you'll adjust.  It has been my joy to see you show signs of independence, and bonding with others.  I’ve always tried to give you a foundation of security, so that you can be confident in the outside world.  I hope they see you the way I do – a sensitive, considerate and thoughtful boy with an ever growing ability to learn, play and love.  You're going to be a caring big brother, leading by example and from your heart.  I know you’re ready. (But am I?)
 
I hope we can keep the moments.  Hiding under the blankets, reading our favourite books, telling stories in the car, impromptu adventures for two…I take none of it for granted.  More than ever, I cherish the flowers and rocks that you bring home, our bedtime recaps, the unprompted “Mama, I love you”.  I wish I could bottle up the hugs, the cuddles, the hand holding…they overwhelm me, while gently comforting my heart.
 
In the past, I have fallen short to love.  I've let people down, disappointed myself, and questioned my ability to care in the right way.  Your love is stronger than my self-doubt.  It transcends the guilt, because I know I'm doing my best for you, always out of love.  Unconditional, selfless and reciprocal...you've shown me love, and you've showed me how to love.
 
I’ve come through some of my darkest times because of you, and I didn’t want life to pass us by without acknowledging that.  I’m sure I will fumble through more moments as our family grows.  I hold my breath, and hope that I can handle it.  My only certainty is that I can only love you more every day. 
 
You’ll be my baby, forever and always…I promise.
 
For keeps,
Your Mama