ALREADY MY BABY

Hi Baby Boy!

(Actually, Xavi has asked me to stop calling you baby, because he says your name is Logan. So, Hi Logan!)

I write to you, at 3:38am, because there may or may not be some contractions going on.  I actually do not know.  My belly is tightening every 15 minutes or so, but there is no pain.  Braxton Hicks? (Which your auntie just taught me about...with Xavi, it was just another medical term to me!)  With Xavi, the real contractions started in the middle of the night, and I'm pretty sure I slept the pain away.  I didn't even know my water had broken until I arrived at my scheduled doctor's appointment the next morning.  I told them I would be more aware this time, but I still feel unsure.  Let's wait and see!

I have been asking you for a bit more time -  My heart is so ready for you, but my physical life is not.  There are still many to do's to be done!  I suppose that would be a lesson in life,  which is what parenthood has been for me. I've been feeling like everything is "a race against the baby", when in reality, it wouldn't be the end of the world to press pause for a few days.  I would survive.  The house would survive..  I've been pushing to finish up my list, but have also felt extremely exhausted for the past two days.  Tomorrow I plan to take it easy, at home..  (We'll see what you have planned!)

I've been meaning to write to you for a few days now, and it was one of the things that were "not urgent".  But truly, "most important".  So here I am, finding time between maybe contractions.  (Another life lesson: If you make it a priority, there can be time.  You can't do everything, but you can do anything!)

Last week, the doctor noticed that there was a discrepancy between my belly size and my due date. Although she wasn't super concerned, she ordered a growth ultrasound.  I tried to adopt her laid back attitude, but I felt initial stress for your well being.  And then I realized it didn't come from my heart. The stress came from my head, from external voices saying that I didn't eat enough, worked too much, travelled too close to the due date, kept picking up Xavi...I could hear all the advice and warnings, coming back to me as blame.  So I stopped that.

It's super hard to be/feel responsible for something that's so out of your control. I realized that I starting feeling like this about the miscarriages, and it sometimes overflows into this pregnancy, as well as raising Xavi.  Well meaning comments from people have made me feel like I could have done things differently to change the outcome.  These comments came after the miscarriages and throughout this pregnancy...it takes a lot of energy to deflect them all the time.  When it comes down to it, how I accept them is a reflection of how I'm feeling at the time.  Luckily, most of the time I've been ok.  Thank you for the strength.

I'm not sure if it's because of all the extra ultrasounds we got with you, or because of the loss of your sisters...but I've felt particularly attached throughout this pregnancy.  I felt you moving sooner (and much more!), and there's already a connection that I can't explain.  

The same can be said about your brother.  He is so excited for your arrival, and is already taking care of you from the bottom of his heart.  He thinks of you often, talks about how he can help you, makes sure I feed you, lays his hands or head on my belly so that I can feel you moving...it's all so touching, and gives me great hope that you will have a solid relationship when you're older.  That is truly my wish for you both - to grow up with a loving friendship that will support your through life.  I'm sure it won't be without the rivalry of siblings.  But again, I hope to create a solid foundation for you both to grow, in love and stability.

I'm starting to ramble now, and probably will not edit this letter [anytime soon].  I just goggled "Braxton Hicks every 10 minutes 38 weeks", and it seems I'm not the only one.  We're never alone! And they seem to be subsiding, although you're moving around  quite a bit!  I should try to get some sleep. Xavi has school tomorrow morning, and asked if he could stay for lunch. Your big brother is becoming such a big boy!  He talks about taking you to school, when you're older.  His friends and teachers already know all about you.

All this to say, we already love you so so much.  No matter how unprepared we may be, we are also 110% ready.  So take your time, come when you're ready. We'll be here waiting with open hearts.

Already yours,
Mama.